shape or be shaped?

given all that we've been through corporately (and to acknowledge the many added combination layers of life experienced uniquely by individuals in addition to this--i wish life stopped for disaster, don't you?) i want to take a pause.  rest and reflect.  it feels even more necessary for me now somehow than it did in the midst of lockdown.  

the collective consciousness is so very tired.  

a presentation i watched recently called "from pandemic to endemic" (designed for health care workers, but applicable to all) talked about the necessary move from fight or flight adrenaline and cortisol responses (the impulse part of our brain wired for survival) and the reasoning thinking center (pre-frontal cortex) which is able to wait, make informed decisions, and delay gratification. we're inclined toward giving very little attention, in other words, to the longer-term impact and consequences of our current actions and behavior. 

our systems were beautifully designed to run from a bear in the woods if needed, but not for years at a time.  the danger being we can start responding as if everything were a bear in the woods and this taxing of our corporate nervous system is delaying the ability to process primary and secondary stressors, loss, and other situations beyond our control.  

the professional explained that we are seeing a huge lack of impulse control across the board, a rise in addictions, and a decline in mental (plus social and emotional) health both in individuals and in quality of relationships. while numbing pain might seem good for a time, it can also numb the ability to feel joy.  staying open to negative emotions also increases the likelihood of experiencing positive ones.  and hurting people hurt people.  so what to do when we're all hurting on one level or another?  my hope is we can heal and help each other heal, too.   

with each memorial service that i attend virtually, or each tricky dynamic that i navigate to the best of my ability, the questions that come up for me are "who do i want to be?" and "how do i want to live?"  these are more important to me than the "what" or "when" particulars at this point, i think those will surface in due time, as will perspective.

i thought about a recent procedure i had where i needed to be under anesthesia.  the post-care instruction sheet said not only to avoid driving or operating heavy machinery, which was obvious, but also to refrain from making any life-altering decisions for 24 hours.  

2020-2022 feels a bit the same way as coming out from a heavy fog:  maybe not the best time to make major changes, purchases, or commitments. but shouldn't i feel wonderful, now that the disaster is mostly passed?  i wondered why i didn't until i saw this diagram of stages.  aha:  working through grief and coming to terms hits predictably right at the time when everyone is so eager to "get back to normal".  

so to my title, "shape or be shaped?" it's impossible to say.  we are inextricably shaped by our circumstances.  and yet, as victor frankl showed us in his experience surviving the holocaust and his book "man's search for meaning", it is not so much what happens to us but how we think about what happens to us that makes all the difference. 

what general direction was i heading in during 2019?  are those things still important to me?  what priorities have shifted?  how can i begin to move from survival instincts to longer-term thinking?  what do my mind, body, and spirit need in order to heal?  am i aware of what part of my brain is most activated at any given time?  can i vent the understandable frustrations in healthy ways and grapple with things beyond my control in solidarity and grace?  can i hold both the immediate and bigger picture in a holy both/and tension?

way more questions than answers.

but, just like in my kayak, i set my sights in the distance; on where i want to go, not just down at the water which could swirl or sideswipe me in any number of directions. 

while i rest, listen, row, and wait, my eyes are set on the four components of resilience:  connection, adaptability, purpose, and hope.  

connection:  who can i talk to; authentically without judgment?  

adaptiblity:  can i bend without breaking?  what parts of this situation can i do something about?

purpose:  how can i build upon the things that get me out of bed in the morning?  

hope:  i don't have to be optimistic all the time, but this is stronger than that, it thrives in the dark.  can i trust that good things are growing in and around me and others even when i can't see?  

more questions.

where is my greatest invitation to resilience right now?  

what does grace and rest look like?  toward others?  

what is the narrative in my head and how do i talk about the things that have occurred?

what possibilities can i imagine coming from my greatest life stressors?  

would love and welcome any comments or insights you have...