lucy and lincoln's bridge
we who presume to teach children know that so many times, we are the ones who learn from them. this happened yet again most recently when i was visiting with friends and playing with their children (ages 4 and 6). i was astounded at the maturity of conflict resolution that played out in front of me and humbled by their ability to work together. i know i can only start with myself, but at the same time can't help wishing that the world at large could take a lesson from what i will call here "lucy & lincoln's bridge".
it began with a train set and all of us on the floor immersed in the play of building. then there was a squawk, followed by crying and lincoln (the younger) telling his sister in no uncertain terms, "lucy, i have feelings of sadness". (pause. already, i noticed he did not blame lucy nor did he lash out, he merely owned and identified his own feelings). as if that were not amazing enough, here's what happened next...
lucy: why do you have feelings of sadness? (non-defensive regard for the other)
lincoln: because you took my train piece and wouldn't listen to my idea about how to build (vulnerability)
lucy: how can i help? (inquiry of care)
lincoln (sniffing): you could give me back my piece and listen to my idea (sharing of needs)
lucy: ok, here you go (relenquishing of rights)
lincoln: thanks (demonstration of gratitude)
lucy: what is your idea? (curiosity and outward-focus)
lincoln: to put this part over here and then make the suspension bridge for the trains over here (collaboration)
that was that. they proceeded to build a fairly complex structure together and i was left, dumbfounded, holding a train piece, my mouth agape and eyes wide at the scene before me. and, knowing their parents, knew that this was no accident, but has been intentionally modeled for them by the adults in their community. but still! i have worked with kids and youth for over 25 years and never seen that kind of conflict resolution at such a young age. in fact, i don't know that i have seen adults do this well over less.
neither am i editing their dialogue, it really happened just like that. yes, they're still kids and yes there was taking of pieces and crying. but how they were able to slow the process down enough to own their own feelings, ask for what they needed, and offer to make it right was, well, like i said, nothing short of astounding (i told their parents as much, it can only be encouraging when you are in the thick of raising young kids).
i only hope i can take a lesson from them and contribute to positive bridge-building experiences in life with those i am privileged to know and care about...don richard riso writes, "if we were able to be present to ourselves, we would find the solution to our suffering. we would see that healing happens when we give names to the sources of our pain and let them go. when this takes place, we discover that a moment of opening up and letting go cures years of closing off and holding on."
it began with a train set and all of us on the floor immersed in the play of building. then there was a squawk, followed by crying and lincoln (the younger) telling his sister in no uncertain terms, "lucy, i have feelings of sadness". (pause. already, i noticed he did not blame lucy nor did he lash out, he merely owned and identified his own feelings). as if that were not amazing enough, here's what happened next...
lucy: why do you have feelings of sadness? (non-defensive regard for the other)
lincoln: because you took my train piece and wouldn't listen to my idea about how to build (vulnerability)
lucy: how can i help? (inquiry of care)
lincoln (sniffing): you could give me back my piece and listen to my idea (sharing of needs)
lucy: ok, here you go (relenquishing of rights)
lincoln: thanks (demonstration of gratitude)
lucy: what is your idea? (curiosity and outward-focus)
lincoln: to put this part over here and then make the suspension bridge for the trains over here (collaboration)
that was that. they proceeded to build a fairly complex structure together and i was left, dumbfounded, holding a train piece, my mouth agape and eyes wide at the scene before me. and, knowing their parents, knew that this was no accident, but has been intentionally modeled for them by the adults in their community. but still! i have worked with kids and youth for over 25 years and never seen that kind of conflict resolution at such a young age. in fact, i don't know that i have seen adults do this well over less.
neither am i editing their dialogue, it really happened just like that. yes, they're still kids and yes there was taking of pieces and crying. but how they were able to slow the process down enough to own their own feelings, ask for what they needed, and offer to make it right was, well, like i said, nothing short of astounding (i told their parents as much, it can only be encouraging when you are in the thick of raising young kids).
i only hope i can take a lesson from them and contribute to positive bridge-building experiences in life with those i am privileged to know and care about...don richard riso writes, "if we were able to be present to ourselves, we would find the solution to our suffering. we would see that healing happens when we give names to the sources of our pain and let them go. when this takes place, we discover that a moment of opening up and letting go cures years of closing off and holding on."
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