get your stalking stuffers here (and other holiday bloopers)

coffee in hand, candle lit, and "white christmas" on tv, i've had just enough rest to retrieve my funny bone and i have to say the holidays have ample opportunties to bring that out in me. (*author's note, the tone of this post is meant to be sarcastic but kind and meant with no offense whatsoever to anyone or their holiday mail of choice.  i love mail, any and all of it and truly care about everyone and their lives!)

that said, i have time to reflect, set to bing crosby's crooning, remembering the year i drove by a certain establishment (which shall remain nameless to protect the guilty) and the reader board boasted "get your stalking stuffers here" (scary.  reason #452 to pay attention in grammar class.  enough said).

then there's what to say when someone asks if you like their christmas sweater?  the trick here is to be honest without offending.  my favorite response in this category is "you know, it's really not that cold out this year."  but the holiday cards take the yule log, hold the egg nog.

for some reason, i think that letters have a tendency to fall into two, possibly two and a half categories, rather like mad-libs 1) my kid is an honor student at _________ (fill in name of school here) elementary 1-1/2) cute pictures of my dog doing ________ (insert canine activity here) and 2) i had my _________ (fill in part of body here) replaced this year.  with no offense to any parties, i've been thinking about creative alternatives to replace the pressure of having to remember how brilliant our children and pets are or what medications we may or may not be on.  so what if your three year old has not yet been recruited by NASA?  don't have any pets?  you still have your own internal organs and bones intact?  feeling like you can't compete and have nothing to say?

what if you tried...rewriting a classic Christmas song/poem/story?  making a top-12 list of beautiful things you saw/tried/made?  or putting your family news into a photo collage or short video set to music?  sending out a copy of a delicious dessert or traditional recipe?  typing up a favorite holiday memory from the older generation?  not that these things couldn't go equally and terribly wrong, but at least it would be fun trying, right?  rest assured, all 350 of my kids at school are rocket scientists, my cats just wrote a peace treaty for the UN and you'll be receiving a photo card of my latest dental x-rays (did i mention my dentist said i have perfect teeth? oh, and they're all mine).  in the meantime, happy hannakah!