texts from jane eyre

this book had me howling out loud with laughter!  mallory ortberg, having read dozens of classics, has put them in text format in her book "texts from jane eyre and other conversations with your favorite literary characters".

an exerpt from emily dickinson (the poet known as a nature-loving recluse):
-have you seen my white shawl?
-i thought you were wearing  your white shawl.
-alas, a person cannot be content with just one white shawl.
-i think i saw it downstairs.
-you know i don't go downstairs, i will knit a new one.
-that's ridiculous.
-when i die, i shall be buried in that shawl.
-you're not dying, you're just afraid to go downstairs.  when can i come in?
-after a hundred years.
-emily, will you give me a real amount of time, please.
-after all birds have been investigated and laid aside.
-do you have birds in there?  emily, answer the question.
-a single bird.
-this is why people don't visit us, emily, the bird thing.

and from shakespear's hamlet, part five:
-darling, i don't mean to criticize, but you really hurt your father's feelings last night.
-he's not my real dad.  why do you even like him.

and henry david thoreau:
-hey, do you want to come over, i just stole some pies.
-what
-this lady just left them out on her porch so i took em, self sufficiency.
-i don't think that's very self sufficient
-so i'm going to the woods, ok, maybe a few months or maybe forever gonna live in a cabin, so can i borrow your cabin?
-you want to live in my cabin?
-yeah and do you mind if i have some friends over?
-you mean friends over in my your self sufficient deliberate cabin?  you're full of beans.